I never cease to be amazed by the beautiful snarky power of the internet. Oftentimes in everyday life, we struggle to react well to an insult, a slight, or even more obviously appalling behavior. The internet is the great level playing field where can, even years later, we finally respond with that perfect comeback. So, in the spirit of the hilarious 'Dating Don'ts' started at Jezebel, continued at Feministe and finally picked up by Salon, I offer up my own set of dealbreakers that would have, at one time, rendered a man Unf*ckable.
1. Don't ask me out to dinner, pick a cheap-o Mexican dive, and still ask plaintively when the $20 check comes, "Do you mind if we go Dutch?"
2. Do not ask, when we are on our first date and I am acting clumsy and nervos, if I am on my period.
3. Do not ask, after we have spent 5 days camping in the way-out-back (which you know I hate), if I will pay for the hotel on the way home.
4. Do not bring me to 'your friend's bonfire' in the middle of nowhere when you know that there will be 20 dudes and only 1 other woman and we are not even allowed to go in the house to use the bathroom. (sorry, honey! In all honesty, this did not render my husband unf*ckable forever, just that night)
5. Do not invite me to a party on the roof of your building then accuse me of sleeping with another guy when we went down to your apartment to get ice. I don't know him, I don't know you and I'm not sleeping with either of you. Ever.
6. Please, please do not date me for 6 months and, in the middle of a conversation about your apparent sexual dysfunction, sheepishly admit that you've been enjoying a lot of gay porn recently.
You got some? Post them in the comments!
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2 comments:
1. Do not, I repeat, do not check my caller ID as I walk out of the room on our first date. It's creepy as hell.
2. Do not tell me that you used to 'dance,' and upon further questioning reveal yourself as a former male stripper.
3. Do not proceed to rape my mouth with your tounge after I told you that I didn't want you to kiss me.
4.(This one is my sister's, I can't take credit) Do not ever pull down your pants and expect me to have anything to do with you if your penis is the width of a campbell soup can.
5. Do not kiss me with chapped lips ever!
6. Do not tell me that your former girlfriend liked to be strangled while we are making out.
7. Do not tell me you're a virgin at the age of 29
lololol!! out of ALL of my 20,000 nightmare dates..why am i drawing a blank???
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